I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
