I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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