Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
