just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
