I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
