Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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