the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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