Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
