Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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