im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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