Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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