You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
