Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
