Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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