I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
