Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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