when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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