Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
