I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
