med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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