You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
