I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
