NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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