I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
