PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize