Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
