Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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