Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
