I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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