So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
