At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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