She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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