I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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