At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
