then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
