This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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