i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
