Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
