you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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