I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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