Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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