Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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