I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
