I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
