My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
