when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
