Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
