Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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