if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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