Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Enjoy the penises
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
