My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
