hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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