you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
