why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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