this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
