No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
