I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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