he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
