neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
