oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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