Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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