One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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