y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
