Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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